REFLECTIONS OF A RELUCTANT CRONE
November 21, 2004The Reverend Anne Felton Hines
When I told some women a while back that I would be turning sixty this month, one of them exclaimed excitedly, “Oh super! We can give you a “croning ceremony!”
I was horrified! A Croning ceremony already?!
I knew this person had meant such a ceremony to be a good thing – that it would be a “coming of age” ritual for me. I knew that the Crone of ancient times was the Wise Old Woman who was revered by the younger ones; who had lived long, survived calamities, grown strong and powerful and wise because of what she’d survived. I knew that to be named a Crone was an honor.
But I was not ready for it; maybe I’m just not wise enough yet! But if I’m not a “crone,” what am I? What do these six decades of living mean anyway?
So I decided to go away for a few days – take myself off to the desert and ponder life. I went loaded down with books, my journal, some old sermons, and my laptop. And for most of the next 2-1/2 days, I read other people’s thoughts on aging, wrote in my journal, and went for long walks around the golf course of the resort in which I was staying. (This is proof that I’m not yet ready for “Cronedom.” A Crone would have gone to a real retreat center, with only the barest of necessities provided. I chose a Marriott resort so I could still have my good coffee, a refrigerator for food and wine, a microwave, and a television so I wouldn’t have to miss West Wing and ER!)
Much of what I read caused me to chuckle and even laugh out loud – like this statement sent to me by my sister: “I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.”
And my favorite “You know you’re old when…” joke is: “You know you’re old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there!”
But at some point I had to put aside the jokes about aging, and reflect on some of the lessons I could share with you today that have learned in my 60 years of living. (I told my son yesterday that this might be my shortest sermon ever!) I’ve come up with 31 lessons – though I’m sure if I’d had a bit more time I could have remembered 60! They are not listed in any particular order of importance or chronology. I am sure you will recognize many of them as lessons you’ve learned yourself; you could probably even add to them.
Lesson #1: From my father: Always know your audience, especially when telling a joke!
2) From my mother: It is almost always better to tell the truth, even if it gets you into trouble; the reward for truth-telling will help mitigate the punishment for the deed.
3) From my grandchildren:
* Cuddling never gets boring;
* One is never too old to play; however, one may be too old to do Jumping Jacks!
4) From my entire family: Family is more important than anything.
5) From my piano teachers: One can get away with sight-reading and playing-by-ear for a while, but at some point, one must put in the effort of practice. That’s as true for learning about life as it is for learning music.
6) From ministry: You can almost never please everyone; some days, you’re lucky if you please anyone!
7) From my trip to El Salvador during the civil war there:
* Take the opportunities that present themselves, even if you have to raise money to do it; even if you don’t have the time;
* Sometimes the poorest people, living in circumstances beyond our imagination, are the most generous and most gracious;
* Smuggling subversive rebel crucifixes in one’s bra is worth the risk of getting caught!
8) From my experience with Typhoid Fever and major back surgery:
* Such events create great stories for cocktail parties for years to come;
* Trust your doctors, but trust your own wisdom, too – sometimes you do know better than they;
* Having a steel rod attached to one’s spine prevents one from “bending over backwards” for anyone;
* And finally, back braces make great Ninja Turtle costumes for Halloween!
7) Transformation, reconciliation, and grace often occur without our even knowing it. I learned this from having a younger brother born with red hair. I was intensely jealous of him throughout our childhood. Even when we were each own and beginning our own families, I resented every good thing that happened to him. But one day in my 30s, I realized that all that anger and resentment had dissipated; I truly don’t know how or when. And now he is one of the people to whom I am closest. (Of course, it doesn’t hurt that his red hair has now turned mostly to gray!)
8) We are given second chances over and over again – though we should never take them for granted; sometimes our luck runs out.
9) What we view as our defects or deformities can become enormous sources of healing for others. It is often out of our “imperfections” that we bear gifts.
10) We will not always see the fruits of our labors; nor will they necessarily be appreciated by the next generation. Nevertheless, it is incumbent upon us that we work to improve things for our generation and for the next.
11) Most of the time, the losses in our life will eventually open new possibilities for us. I learned this years after being devastated when my marriage fell apart; the truth is that I never would have even considered ministry had I remained married, and what a loss that would have been for me.
12) No matter how much therapy and spiritual direction we have, we probably never fully outgrow most of our old patterns – never completely heal old wounds. We simply learn how to recognize them when they jump up and surprise us, and hopefully we develop better coping skills.
13) If we wait long and patiently enough, our children will eventually adopt our values – not necessarily our religion or politics, but our core values. They might even admit to it!
14) Guilt is a useless emotion unless it spurs us on to make changes; otherwise, it’s just an excuse for doing nothing.
15) Almost everyone, no matter how annoying they seem, or maladjusted, or even vile, has redeeming qualities. It may take extra effort and patience to find those qualities, but they are there. Each person was born with “inherent worth and dignity” just as you and I were; it may have just gotten covered over with weeds in some cases.
16) We will almost never regret taking risks; we are much more apt at the end of our life to regret not taking them. Jimmy Carter said we should “go out on a limb,” for “that’s where the fruit is!” If the limb breaks, trust that there will be a pile of leaves to soften your fall.
17) Whenever I spend a lot of energy worrying that something is going to go wrong, it doesn’t; in fact, everything seems to turn out just fine. One friend suggested that perhaps I should learn from this that I don’t need to worry; but I know that it’s because I worry that everything works out!
18) Kids think that they’re the ones who get treated unfairly, but that’s not true; adults suffer a lot more injustice. For instance: Kids get tennis shoes that light up when they run or jump, but adults don’t; little girls get Ruby Red shoes with glitter on them, like the ones that returned Dorothy back to Kansas, but you won’t find them in any women’s shoe department; and perhaps most unfair of all, kids get a toy when they go to the dentist, but all we adults get is the bill! It’s just not fair!
19) It is distressing to be reminded, over and over again, how easy it is to become apathetic to the ills of the world – how often I give in to the temptation to wrap myself in my comfortable life.
20) Procrastination is greatly under-appreciated. If one waits long enough to complete a task, it may no longer need doing; waiting before tackling something often provides greater insights into how to do it – or greater creativity in how to avoid doing it; and sometimes, when you put off following one opportunity, a better one presents itself. I like to think of procrastination as “natural prioritizing!”
21) There are some things, however, one should not put off doing: Visiting a friend or family member who is ill; staying in touch with people important to you; telling those you love that you love them, even when you may not be feeling it. And you should never put off doing what it is you love to do. The Talmud says that on Judgment Day, a person will be called to account “for every permissible thing he or she ;might have enjoyed, but didn’t.”
22) It is better to enjoy eating, than to obsess over the ingredients and calories in every bite we take.
23) Crème Brulee tastes better when shared – though if forced, I can eat it all by myself!
24) We are loved more than we know.
25) We are more of a gift than we know. (That’s why it’s important to come to church on Sunday; you may not always be changed by being here, but your presence may change someone else.)
26) It is best to “own” the power you have, and learn how to use it wisely. Never give away your power; instead, use it to help others recognize and own there’s.
27) The role of the church is to create, in the words of one of my favorite hymns, “an Earth made fair, and all her people one.”
28) Living authentically – or “out loud,” as one poet called it – is our first obligation to ourselves as well as to others. As the child said when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up: “I’d like to be myself; I’ve tried being other people, but it never worked out.”
29) Don’t let others label you, no matter what age you are, unless, of course, it gives you a senior discount.
30) Don’t waste time regretting the past. Learn from them, and then move on; live life today the way you want it to be.
And finally…
31) Most of the lessons we learn we will forget over time, and have to re-learn them again and again. So we might as well enjoy the journey.
****
I do not feel ready to be a “Crone” just yet, as much of an honor I know it to be. I still have too much living to do – to much of the “marrow of life” still to experience. And besides, it just seems too boring to sit around dispensing wisdom all day. I’d much rather be dancing, and eating Crème Brulee; shopping for shoes; playing more music; acting ridiculous with my grandchildren; being the minister that’s needed here at Emerson; and simply being.
As the poet said, “I have seen my life, and know that it is good.” It has been rich with family, children and grandchildren, good friends, interesting experiences, and now this congregation. For such a life, I can only feel deep gratitude.
As an expression of that gratitude, I have a gift for you….
BEN & JERRY’S ICE CREAM “RITUAL OF GRATITUDE”
© 2004 Anne Felton Hines. All rights reserved.
